KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN (AP) — All financial problems worldwide were solved yesterday when a hobo from Kandahar found $723 trillion in a ditch.

“I was just looking for a shady place to lie down,” the unemployed vagabond said through a translator. “I prefer ditches, when I can find them. This seemed more comfortable than the average ditch, but then I realized, ‘Hey, I’m lying on money.’”

The hobo, who goes by the single name Abdul, hasn’t yet decided what he wants to do with the money. “They tell me there’s enough here to pay off all national debts, provide free health care for everyone in the world, to end starvation and eliminate class differences around the globe,” Abdul said. “But then where am I going to sleep?”

Upon hearing news of the discovery, Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said, “Well, looks like I wasted my entire life. Sixty years of studying economics and enforcing monetary policy for nothing. I could have been partying the whole time.”