KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN (AP) — All financial problems worldwide were solved yesterday when a hobo from Kandahar found $723 trillion in a ditch.

“I was just looking for a shady place to lie down,” the unemployed vagabond said through a translator. “I prefer ditches, when I can find them. This seemed more comfortable than the average ditch, but then I realized, ‘Hey, I’m lying on money.’”

The hobo, who goes by the single name Abdul, hasn’t yet decided what he wants to do with the money. “They tell me there’s enough here to pay off all national debts, provide free health care for everyone in the world, to end starvation and eliminate class differences around the globe,” Abdul said. “But then where am I going to sleep?”

Upon hearing news of the discovery, Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said, “Well, looks like I wasted my entire life. Sixty years of studying economics and enforcing monetary policy for nothing. I could have been partying the whole time.”

13 Responses to “World’s Financial Problems Solved: Afghan Hobo Finds $723 Trillion in Ditch”

  1. 1yochanan on Aug 19, 2008 at 3:43 pm:

    would that be in riechmarks one billion for a cup of joe.

  2. 2Mars Needs Neocons on Aug 19, 2008 at 6:36 pm:

    I have a hundred thousand reichsmark note that I could contribute. But it looks so nifty with my Iraqi Dinars with Stalin’s Saddam’s face.

  3. 3Hugh on Aug 19, 2008 at 6:45 pm:

    With all that money, he could buy a condo in Manhattan and become a true Marxist revolutionary. He would even be able to afford the revolution-mandated latte for 5 bucks three times a day.

  4. 4Cullen on Aug 19, 2008 at 11:00 pm:

    Now Hugh,the revolutionaries don’t all drink lattes.They also drink cappacinos,mochacinos,espressos,chia tea,ect.And let’s not forget all those S. American and African coffees that were grown in super special conditions requiring a lot more work all for the revolution.

  5. 5Hugh on Aug 20, 2008 at 4:37 am:

    Cullen,

    You’re right. Because if there is one thing the revolutionaries love, it’s for someone else to do all the work of making revolutionary drinks, t-shirts, books, and gods-only-know where all those gaffiyas are made (China? probably by political dissidents being worked to death in lao gai camps, no less.)

  6. 6Tuan Jim on Aug 21, 2008 at 7:00 pm:

    Well, before they dropped 9 zeroes off the currency last month, $723 trillion would have been about enough for a steak dinner in Zimbabwe. Of course, at this rate, they’ll get back to that point in another couple of weeks from today.

  7. 7Ken on Aug 22, 2008 at 8:50 pm:

    Is this from The Onion?

  8. 8Thomas on Aug 25, 2008 at 10:10 am:

    Zombie, you ought to write for The Onion.

  9. 9average_guy on Aug 26, 2008 at 9:12 pm:

    Unlike The Onion, Zombie uses real photos

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