New Rules for Old Farts

New Rules for Old Farts

If you remember when health insurance was optional, you are an old fart.

If you are polite to strangers, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever changed a typewriter ribbon, you are an old fart.

If there was only one fat kid in your class, you are an old fart.

If you think “Occupy” is a verb and not a noun, you are an old fart.

If you just want to be left alone, you are an old fart.

If you remember when only sailors had tattoos, you are an old fart.

If you remember when civil rights meant equal rights, not reverse discrimination, you are an old fart.

If you’ve never uploaded naked photographs of yourself, you are an old fart.

If you know how to spell, you are an old fart.

If you ever waited to hear your favorite song on the radio, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being radical meant hating the government, rather than relying on it, you are an old fart.

If you know how to get there better than that GPS contraption, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever felt shame, you are an old fart.

If you still feel a twinge of dread seeing a phone number with a lot of “9″s and “0″s, you are an old fart.

If you think a nice warm day is just a nice warm day and not proof of impending doom, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for your own condoms, you are an old fart.

If you know how to fix mechanical devices, you are an old fart.

If the phrase “turn of the century” makes you think of the year 1900, you are an old fart.

If you had a blue mohawk in 11th grade, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Top Gun actually sat in the plane, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever bought something with cash, you are an old fart.

If you don’t go all the way on the first date, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being a Democrat meant being anti-communist, you are an old fart.

If you remember when “books” were made of paper, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever played pinball, you are an old fart.

If you remember when sex scandals would ruin a starlet’s career, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever gotten on an airplane without first being searched, you are an old fart.

If you even know the meaning of the word “bipartisan,” you are an old fart.

If you you don’t have a Facebook page, you are an old fart.

If you do have a MySpace page, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever used the word “gay” to mean carefree or joyous, you are an old fart.

If you still haven’t scraped that “I believe you Anita!” sticker off your bumper, you are an old fart.

If you kept a few leftover French francs and German marks the last time you visited Europe, you are an old fart.

If you think self-esteem is earned rather than a birthright, you are an old fart.

If you remember when the media at least pretended to be impartial, you are an old fart.

If you ever ate at Sambo’s, you are an old fart.

If you still have some bell-bottom pants way back in your closet from the first time they were cool, you are an old fart.

If you remember when every quarter had an eagle on the back, you are an old fart.

If you hold the door open for ladies, you are an old fart.

If you remember when tech support answered without an accent, you are an old fart.

If you can’t remember why you used to laugh at the phrase “You bet your sweet bippy,” you are an old fart.

If you remember when being on welfare was embarrassing, you are an old fart.

If you know what VHS stands for, you are an old fart.

If you admire successful people, you are an old fart.

If you know what “the blue dress” refers to, you are an old fart.

If a teacher ever smacked you on the knuckles with a ruler, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for pornography, you are an old fart.

If you think school should be taught in English, you are an old fart.

If you still think music comes on these black vinyl disks called “records,” you are an old fart.

If you played with toy guns when you were a kid, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever visited a public library, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Apple was a small struggling company, you are an old fart.

If your debate coach taught you to see both sides of an argument, you are an old fart.

If you still have some of those 8-track tapes in the garage, you are an old fart.

If you love your country, you are an old fart.

If you remember when budgets were measured in billions, not trillions, you are an old fart.

If you want to go back to measuring budgets in billions like we used to, you are really an old fart.

If you remember when campus revolutionaries fought against The Man, and weren’t yet The Man themselves, you are an old fart.

If you’d welcome a death panel at this stage, frankly, you are an old fart.

103 Responses to “New Rules for Old Farts”

  1. 1Marvin on Mar 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm:

    If you remember long distance was more expensive than local, you are an old fart.

    If you remember Congressional Committee Hearings that mattered, you are an old fart.

    If you remember the US having a budget, you are an old fart.
    If you remember the US having a balanced budget, you are a ghost.

      

  2. 2dfbaskwill on Mar 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm:

    If you think English should be taught in School, you are an old fart. FIFY

      

  3. 3kfg on Mar 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm:

    I missed . . . a few. However, I think I get “You’re excused” bonus points for hearing a strange engine note from the sky, looking up and saying, “Hey, a DH2. Keen.”

    For that matter, when I overhear someone talking about “Hispano Jenny” I have to remind myself he’s probably just talking about a Mexican girl.

    Remember when you could walk into any bank and exchange your paper bills for precious metal coinage at face value? You’re an old fart.

      

  4. 4Gork on Mar 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm:

    Dang. I’m such an old fart that I stank up the place. –And I’m not even that old, in geological time spans…

      

  5. 5Bard on Mar 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm:

    I’m twenty-three and got twenty-six of these. You may need to recalibrate. :)

      

  6. 6Doctor Jeff on Mar 15, 2012 at 10:51 am:

    That is funny ! From a definite old fart!

      

  7. 7Sam on Mar 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm:

    If you post things that sound like an email forward from your grandmother, you’re an old fart.

      

  8. 8turn on Mar 16, 2012 at 9:43 pm:

    You know, you still make me smile.

    I’m going to run into you at Spengers one day for lunch … darling

      

  9. 9Jay Coen on Mar 18, 2012 at 5:36 am:

    If you remember when our young men were sent to fight when Congress declared war not by a President authorizing UN resolution enforcement, you are an old fart.

      

  10. 10Bob on Mar 18, 2012 at 11:04 am:

    If you post crappy Chain-letter E-mails as if they are your own original work, you’re an old fart.

      

  11. 11Steve on Mar 24, 2012 at 11:02 am:

    What’s opposite of ‘old fart’ – is it ‘young puke?’

      

  12. 12Ron on Mar 25, 2012 at 10:13 am:

    If you remember when produce didn’t have stickers, your an old fart.

      

  13. 13Will on Mar 27, 2012 at 11:43 am:

    If you know the difference between your and you’re, you’re an old fart! :)

      

  14. 14Camelia Alvarenga on Apr 3, 2012 at 11:55 am:

    awesome blast 5 2 5 8 6 e q u q

      

  15. 15Outbreakzone on Apr 12, 2012 at 7:39 am:

  16. 16plusafdotcom on May 29, 2012 at 10:56 pm:

    If you remember when the first two “digits” of your home phone number were letters, you’re an old fart.

    If you remember your mom “upgrading” your home phone from “party line” to “private line,” you’re an old fart.

    If your dad taught you to drive in a car that didn’t have seat belts factory-installed, you’re an old fart.

      

  17. 17Zombie Lover Blog on Jun 11, 2012 at 8:51 pm:

    If you saw Night of the Living Dead in a theater when it came out, you are an old fart.

      

  18. 18Mirra on Aug 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm:

    If your mother required you to attend Dancing School, wear white gloves and keep a “no break card” you are an old fart. If boys had to bow to the girls at Dancing Schools (and cotillians) before asking for a dance, You are an old fart.

    If your Dad “interviewed” any dates showing up at your home, you are an old fart.

    When dining out, if the males at your table stood up when you re-entered the room, you are an old fart that lived in the South.

    If you were forced to practice walking and eating with a book on your head, you are an old fart. If you (women)were taught to sit with your knees glued together , you are an old fart. (however it came in handy wearing those mini-skirts) If you were ever sent home for wearing a mini-skirt, then you are an old fart.

    If your mother had calling cards printed when you turned 16, then you are an old fart.

      

  19. 19Nick on Oct 20, 2012 at 8:41 pm:

    If you have a narrow-minded, paranoid view of the world, you’re an old fart.
    If you are xenophobic because you grew up in post-WWII white suburbia, you’re an old fart.
    If you hold the illusion that radicals can operate entirely free of the current system, you’re an old fart.
    If you believe that 50 million people living without health insurance is a good thing, you’re an old fart.
    If you feel nostalgia when you see racist memorabilia, you’re an old fart.
    If you think a person’s “success” is inextricably linked with their pocketbook, you’re an old fart.
    If you think harassment is a laudable act, you’re an old fart.
    If you somehow believe that that person on the other line, and NOT the greedy ceo, is culpable, you’re an old fart.

      

  20. 20Think on Nov 5, 2012 at 7:56 am:

    If you started out as a little trapped burp, an air bubble, a pain in the gut, a tummy growler, you are or may one day be, an old fart. Either way, start to finish, trapped hot air until the bitter stinkin’ end.

    This means, of course, that such youth is mostly a painful, growling, air bubble whose only meaningful expression comes long after there has been considerable length of passage through the juices and the bowels of life and that his eventual expression will be noted by future non-airy generations as funny smelly nonsense (hopefully) void of anything material.

    However, there are some who are/were down to earth in the first place, who are/were intelligent enough to avoid consuming every new-seeming bit of indigestible poisonous garbage; and who, upon recognizing they have swallowed some tainted air are well able to burp it out before it gets trapped.

    Moral: If you are not willing to become an old fart yourself be discerning in what you consume and…chew carefully, don’t gulp.

    (For the dim: This applies to the brain-food you take in. Don’t gulp down and swallow whole an idea or ideal of another; rather chew over it carefully, break it down to it’s smaller parts, digest it thoroughly and it might feed your mind with new ideas and conclusions that will nourish you. If, upon chewing, you find it bitter or unchewable, spit it out!)

      

  21. 21Mark on Nov 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm:

    If you remember the Bill of Rights, you’re an old fart.

    If you remember the legal drinking age as 18.

    If you remember when Congress was supposed to have the sole power to declare wars.

    If you remember when sending someone a message involved the Post Office.

    If you think “Big Brother” is from Orwell’s book and not a TV show, you’re an old fart.

      

  22. 22Tim on Feb 8, 2013 at 6:48 am:

    If you post like Nick you’re a gay whiner…

      

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