New Rules for Old Farts

New Rules for Old Farts

If you remember when health insurance was optional, you are an old fart.

If you are polite to strangers, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever changed a typewriter ribbon, you are an old fart.

If there was only one fat kid in your class, you are an old fart.

If you think “Occupy” is a verb and not a noun, you are an old fart.

If you just want to be left alone, you are an old fart.

If you remember when only sailors had tattoos, you are an old fart.

If you remember when civil rights meant equal rights, not reverse discrimination, you are an old fart.

If you’ve never uploaded naked photographs of yourself, you are an old fart.

If you know how to spell, you are an old fart.

If you ever waited to hear your favorite song on the radio, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being radical meant hating the government, rather than relying on it, you are an old fart.

If you know how to get there better than that GPS contraption, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever felt shame, you are an old fart.

If you still feel a twinge of dread seeing a phone number with a lot of “9″s and “0″s, you are an old fart.

If you think a nice warm day is just a nice warm day and not proof of impending doom, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for your own condoms, you are an old fart.

If you know how to fix mechanical devices, you are an old fart.

If the phrase “turn of the century” makes you think of the year 1900, you are an old fart.

If you had a blue mohawk in 11th grade, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Top Gun actually sat in the plane, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever bought something with cash, you are an old fart.

If you don’t go all the way on the first date, you are an old fart.

If you remember when being a Democrat meant being anti-communist, you are an old fart.

If you remember when “books” were made of paper, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever played pinball, you are an old fart.

If you remember when sex scandals would ruin a starlet’s career, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever gotten on an airplane without first being searched, you are an old fart.

If you even know the meaning of the word “bipartisan,” you are an old fart.

If you you don’t have a Facebook page, you are an old fart.

If you do have a MySpace page, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever used the word “gay” to mean carefree or joyous, you are an old fart.

If you still haven’t scraped that “I believe you Anita!” sticker off your bumper, you are an old fart.

If you kept a few leftover French francs and German marks the last time you visited Europe, you are an old fart.

If you think self-esteem is earned rather than a birthright, you are an old fart.

If you remember when the media at least pretended to be impartial, you are an old fart.

If you ever ate at Sambo’s, you are an old fart.

If you still have some bell-bottom pants way back in your closet from the first time they were cool, you are an old fart.

If you remember when every quarter had an eagle on the back, you are an old fart.

If you hold the door open for ladies, you are an old fart.

If you remember when tech support answered without an accent, you are an old fart.

If you can’t remember why you used to laugh at the phrase “You bet your sweet bippy,” you are an old fart.

If you remember when being on welfare was embarrassing, you are an old fart.

If you know what VHS stands for, you are an old fart.

If you admire successful people, you are an old fart.

If you know what “the blue dress” refers to, you are an old fart.

If a teacher ever smacked you on the knuckles with a ruler, you are an old fart.

If you ever paid for pornography, you are an old fart.

If you think school should be taught in English, you are an old fart.

If you still think music comes on these black vinyl disks called “records,” you are an old fart.

If you played with toy guns when you were a kid, you are an old fart.

If you’ve ever visited a public library, you are an old fart.

If you remember when Apple was a small struggling company, you are an old fart.

If your debate coach taught you to see both sides of an argument, you are an old fart.

If you still have some of those 8-track tapes in the garage, you are an old fart.

If you love your country, you are an old fart.

If you remember when budgets were measured in billions, not trillions, you are an old fart.

If you want to go back to measuring budgets in billions like we used to, you are really an old fart.

If you remember when campus revolutionaries fought against The Man, and weren’t yet The Man themselves, you are an old fart.

If you’d welcome a death panel at this stage, frankly, you are an old fart.

136 Responses to “New Rules for Old Farts”

  1. 1Marvin on Mar 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm:

    If you remember long distance was more expensive than local, you are an old fart.

    If you remember Congressional Committee Hearings that mattered, you are an old fart.

    If you remember the US having a budget, you are an old fart.
    If you remember the US having a balanced budget, you are a ghost.

      

  2. 2dfbaskwill on Mar 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm:

    If you think English should be taught in School, you are an old fart. FIFY

      

  3. 3kfg on Mar 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm:

    I missed . . . a few. However, I think I get “You’re excused” bonus points for hearing a strange engine note from the sky, looking up and saying, “Hey, a DH2. Keen.”

    For that matter, when I overhear someone talking about “Hispano Jenny” I have to remind myself he’s probably just talking about a Mexican girl.

    Remember when you could walk into any bank and exchange your paper bills for precious metal coinage at face value? You’re an old fart.

      

  4. 4Gork on Mar 14, 2012 at 4:29 pm:

    Dang. I’m such an old fart that I stank up the place. –And I’m not even that old, in geological time spans…

      

  5. 5Bard on Mar 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm:

    I’m twenty-three and got twenty-six of these. You may need to recalibrate. :)

      

  6. 6Doctor Jeff on Mar 15, 2012 at 10:51 am:

    That is funny ! From a definite old fart!

      

  7. 7Sam on Mar 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm:

    If you post things that sound like an email forward from your grandmother, you’re an old fart.

      

  8. 8turn on Mar 16, 2012 at 9:43 pm:

    You know, you still make me smile.

    I’m going to run into you at Spengers one day for lunch … darling

      

  9. 9Jay Coen on Mar 18, 2012 at 5:36 am:

    If you remember when our young men were sent to fight when Congress declared war not by a President authorizing UN resolution enforcement, you are an old fart.

      

  10. 10Bob on Mar 18, 2012 at 11:04 am:

    If you post crappy Chain-letter E-mails as if they are your own original work, you’re an old fart.

      

  11. 11Steve on Mar 24, 2012 at 11:02 am:

    What’s opposite of ‘old fart’ – is it ‘young puke?’

      

  12. 12Ron on Mar 25, 2012 at 10:13 am:

    If you remember when produce didn’t have stickers, your an old fart.

      

  13. 13Will on Mar 27, 2012 at 11:43 am:

    If you know the difference between your and you’re, you’re an old fart! :)

      

  14. 14Camelia Alvarenga on Apr 3, 2012 at 11:55 am:

    awesome blast 5 2 5 8 6 e q u q

      

  15. 15Outbreakzone on Apr 12, 2012 at 7:39 am:

  16. 16plusafdotcom on May 29, 2012 at 10:56 pm:

    If you remember when the first two “digits” of your home phone number were letters, you’re an old fart.

    If you remember your mom “upgrading” your home phone from “party line” to “private line,” you’re an old fart.

    If your dad taught you to drive in a car that didn’t have seat belts factory-installed, you’re an old fart.

      

  17. 17Zombie Lover Blog on Jun 11, 2012 at 8:51 pm:

    If you saw Night of the Living Dead in a theater when it came out, you are an old fart.

      

  18. 18Mirra on Aug 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm:

    If your mother required you to attend Dancing School, wear white gloves and keep a “no break card” you are an old fart. If boys had to bow to the girls at Dancing Schools (and cotillians) before asking for a dance, You are an old fart.

    If your Dad “interviewed” any dates showing up at your home, you are an old fart.

    When dining out, if the males at your table stood up when you re-entered the room, you are an old fart that lived in the South.

    If you were forced to practice walking and eating with a book on your head, you are an old fart. If you (women)were taught to sit with your knees glued together , you are an old fart. (however it came in handy wearing those mini-skirts) If you were ever sent home for wearing a mini-skirt, then you are an old fart.

    If your mother had calling cards printed when you turned 16, then you are an old fart.

      

  19. 19Nick on Oct 20, 2012 at 8:41 pm:

    If you have a narrow-minded, paranoid view of the world, you’re an old fart.
    If you are xenophobic because you grew up in post-WWII white suburbia, you’re an old fart.
    If you hold the illusion that radicals can operate entirely free of the current system, you’re an old fart.
    If you believe that 50 million people living without health insurance is a good thing, you’re an old fart.
    If you feel nostalgia when you see racist memorabilia, you’re an old fart.
    If you think a person’s “success” is inextricably linked with their pocketbook, you’re an old fart.
    If you think harassment is a laudable act, you’re an old fart.
    If you somehow believe that that person on the other line, and NOT the greedy ceo, is culpable, you’re an old fart.

      

  20. 20Think on Nov 5, 2012 at 7:56 am:

    If you started out as a little trapped burp, an air bubble, a pain in the gut, a tummy growler, you are or may one day be, an old fart. Either way, start to finish, trapped hot air until the bitter stinkin’ end.

    This means, of course, that such youth is mostly a painful, growling, air bubble whose only meaningful expression comes long after there has been considerable length of passage through the juices and the bowels of life and that his eventual expression will be noted by future non-airy generations as funny smelly nonsense (hopefully) void of anything material.

    However, there are some who are/were down to earth in the first place, who are/were intelligent enough to avoid consuming every new-seeming bit of indigestible poisonous garbage; and who, upon recognizing they have swallowed some tainted air are well able to burp it out before it gets trapped.

    Moral: If you are not willing to become an old fart yourself be discerning in what you consume and…chew carefully, don’t gulp.

    (For the dim: This applies to the brain-food you take in. Don’t gulp down and swallow whole an idea or ideal of another; rather chew over it carefully, break it down to it’s smaller parts, digest it thoroughly and it might feed your mind with new ideas and conclusions that will nourish you. If, upon chewing, you find it bitter or unchewable, spit it out!)

      

  21. 21Mark on Nov 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm:

    If you remember the Bill of Rights, you’re an old fart.

    If you remember the legal drinking age as 18.

    If you remember when Congress was supposed to have the sole power to declare wars.

    If you remember when sending someone a message involved the Post Office.

    If you think “Big Brother” is from Orwell’s book and not a TV show, you’re an old fart.

      

  22. 22Tim on Feb 8, 2013 at 6:48 am:

    If you post like Nick you’re a gay whiner…

      

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    and Linux computers. Mask the table top with tape and paint the star with dark red paint.
    Having a chat widget on-page, visitors won’t have to go
    out of the site as they communicate with other visitors.

    If we are trying to talk about chatting, it is just beyond of our thinking.
    What you did not count on was the personal computer sitting on your son’s desk in his bedroom.With a handful of clicks your kid can access any internet site if you don’t
    just take measures as a parent to block specified ‘bad sites’.

    Children above 5 years of age can access the chat room
    website of KidsCom. It can even be more special if you make
    or purchase similar food. However, I find myself making sure that I look
    good before a video chat. We are part of a marketing contest that has been going on for many years – a contest which involves companies testing how long they can continue giving
    their customers minimum quality until the members actually catches on.

    The worse thing that can happen to you in a chat is getting bored.
    Therefore, you need to take pride in the service when you
    are using it. The definition of Internet chatting is when two or more online individuals come together to talk inside a
    chatroom, virtual software, or instant messenger.
    Not only will this help you in writing emails and conversing in chats, but will prove very
    valuable when traveling to her country for your meetings.
    Avoid acting differently, just because she is not right beside you, because this will just complicate things.
    The service may offer advice or links to offer advice on how
    to handle abusive personalities on the net.

    You can also contact Babbie, Zafiro1 and Julia for you.

    So be careful about what you are saying on your first conversation. Chatting is a popular way in which
    people stay connected-whether it be for business or for family who live many miles apart.
    However, since the Internet is such a free service, this by no means is a fool proof method.
    Like any other good chat service, chat zone comes with its very own set
    of rules. Yahoo Instant Messenger has great options too.

    If you don’t know the girl, (and she’s still in your friends list) you can just ask
    her Quite a lot of common friends, how did I miss you?’ or Hey!
    You can do this yourself without any worry about how the guy you are chatting with sees you and judges you.
    Once I’ve done this, the person I’m chatting with will receive
    notice that I want to share a file. But during the companies’ intense marketing work, people tend to
    lose sight of the first mission, which is to produce things easier on the individual
    - you, me and everybody else using these kind of websites.Any time somebody
    mentions ‘simpler’, do more downloading and programs come to mind?
    In a matter of time, all of these universities were
    communicating via chat. Chat rooms can be used
    for students to talk “live” to other users that are online at that time.

    Jus cuz I have over 1 thou peeps and friends on my Myspace!
    Many people hide their real identity and put on a fake identity.
    Place your mouse in the bottom part of the chat box and
    begin typing. Who is your favorite singer?
    You can join without having to pay any fee. All you need to
    do is visit FlipText and type in the sentence or word you want to write upside down.

    A person living within their prime during the 21st millennium is well-aware of
    precisely how dynamically our technological culture can shift over a short time period (ie, the mobile phone wave) and how even faster certain ‘fads’ are able to lose their popular hold over consumers simply as a
    result of the introduction of something brand-new and innovative.

    My husband has been able to see our pets which helps him, because
    he misses them so much. Much of the chat is happening in what are called ‘community websites’.
    If she knows the answer, that’s good because it paves the way for some
    more chat on or around the subject. It allows you
    to test social situations before you do them in real life.

    This can become quite a task, as you have to keep your Facebook profile
    window open, all day long.

    Chatting and net surfing has become the favorite pastime for
    kids all over the world. Entertainment: Samsung Chat 322 fulfils your requirement of portable music player as it has a built-in multimedia player.
    Be Careful With What You Type If you are not used to chatting with girls in Facebook,
    then it is best that you read what you type first before
    you actually hit that enter button. Webcamchat has changed the
    face of online chatting. My son has joined in on three-way Skype conversations and it is awesome.
    Video clip chatting is a form of visual trade that is are living as
    effectively as visual in nature. The particular assortment and also selections are growing every
    year.

    The story may very well sound bizarre but, as far as David Pollard,
    Amy Taylor and Linda Brinkley are concerned, it is all perfectly real.
    Because if you break any guidelines you can end up being banned from the site.

    As compared to these advanced messengers, Facebook chat
    seems quite plain. Assessment of the organization, according to
    some calculations, shows the current site value
    of 13 million U.S. They also contain many informative articles on health, sports, entertainment, schools, etc.
    The company blog outlines additional projects underway.

    Goodness of Flirt Chat Advantages of a flirt chat cannot
    be denied or thought of as absent.

      

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