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The Footprint Theory of Life · zomblog

The Footprint Theory of Life

New at PJM — you won’t want to miss this one! :


The Footprint Theory of Life

I made a resolution to lower my carbon footprint. Everyone’s doing it. They say it’s good for the Earth!

I tried my best at first. But the more I learned about carbon footprints, the harder it became.

Turns out that just about every single thing I do uses up carbon! Since almost every form of transportation — trucks, cars, trains, planes, ships — uses petroleum-based fuel, and since petroleum is mostly just carbon mixed up with hydrogen, then everything I use, eat, touch or want requires carbon combustion to reach me. Damn! Every manufactured product of any kind is made up of raw materials that were dug up or retrieved by fuel-burning machines, then transported in fuel-burning trucks or trains to huge plants to be processed or refined, then transported in fuel-burning trucks or trains to different factories where they’re made into everyday objects, then they’re again transported by ship or plane or train or truck to the store, where I go to buy them. That’s a hell of a lot of carbon being used! Even if I ethically bicycle to the store to do my shopping, that’s only, at best, a 1% carbon savings over the amount of carbon that was required to get whatever I’m buying to the store in the first place.

But then I looked down at my bike and realized that it too followed the same high-carbon manufacturing trajectory to reach me when I bought it! And the tires on the wheels, and the steel in the frame, and the . . . well, it all just became too carbon-y to even ponder. Even worse, I just found out that the gasping and panting I do when bicycling is just another way of expelling carbon into the atmosphere! Has anybody calculated whether 20 minutes of heavy exhalations from bicycle riding produces more or less carbon than the three minutes of car exhaust it would take to travel the same distance? So much research is required! It’s simply overwhelming.

Why only carbon?

It began to dawn on me that my carbon usage was just the tip of the iceberg. I was literally devouring the Earth little by little as I used up all the other elements as well! Forget about my carbon footprint: What about my aluminum footprint? My oxygen footprint? My plutonium footprint? If I want to be serious about “living lightly on the land,” I feel that a complete inventory of ALL my elemental footprints is in order. And through that process, perhaps we all can learn to lower our footprints of each and every natural element.

Let us begin the inventory. …


Read the rest here!

31 Responses to “The Footprint Theory of Life”

  1. 1DangerousNate on Mar 11, 2010 at 1:29 pm:

    I will kill myself thus eliminating my footprint from the planet period!

    Goodbye world, hope my act has made a difference!

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  2. 2Starless on Mar 11, 2010 at 1:30 pm:

    I guess there’s really only one answer: it’s time for us to go all Jonestown on ourselves.

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  3. 3CattusMagnus on Mar 11, 2010 at 4:35 pm:

    DangerousNate & Starless,
    But just think of all the noxious gases released as the human body decomposes! We could be harming the planet by being dead as just much as we are are harming it by being alive! I propose that Earth’s entire population be immediately shot into the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. Sure, we might be polluting the singularity, but at least Earth will be safe! Earth first!

    Quote

  4. 4Starless on Mar 11, 2010 at 7:41 pm:

    Cattus, you make a good point, but in decomposing we will at least be returning what we have taken from Gaia.

    It is a difficult problem with no easy answers. I think I need to go out back, burn some tires, and think about this for a while.

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  5. 5Dane on Mar 12, 2010 at 9:23 am:

    Besides which, think of all the damage a space launch does to our beloved mother Earth - burning liquid oxygen, the horror!

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  6. 6Arcterra on Mar 12, 2010 at 4:08 pm:

    DangerousNate!……yes! yes! That was freaking hilarious. I was thinking the same thing. The only true measure of reducing a carbon footprint is to remove the human infestation from this planet. I think if the Gaia followers are really serious about this they should lead by example and off themselves. I seriously will contemplate following them after this symbolic act…not!

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  7. 7Ringo the Gringo on Mar 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm:

    So long as you feel sufficiently guilty at a level which is proportional to the size of your footprint you’re fine.

    Quote

  8. 8Dianna on Mar 13, 2010 at 10:16 pm:

    I haven’t laughed this hard in about a week.

    Thanks!

    Quote

  9. 9Scott on Mar 14, 2010 at 10:22 am:

    What is cool about this environmentalist movement is that it is so easy to poke holes in…and make fun of. As soon as someone confronts a letist “environmentalist” about his impact on the earth, they immediately get defensive. Ed Bagley responded to some barbs I aimed at him a while back…insisting, for instance, that he used studios in his home to shoot some of his recent television appearances. Well, that can’t be true, as I rather imagine that many of these lights and cameras used for commercials etc…were actually located in studios that were “on the grid” as it were…using coal to generate electricity.

    If they volunteer to rid the earth of their burden, then I’m game to follow suit. Not a moment before!

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  10. 10buzzsawmonkey on Mar 14, 2010 at 11:35 am:

    Do I have to give up my Carbona spot-cleaner?

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  11. 11DangerousNate on Mar 15, 2010 at 11:45 pm:

    I propose that Earth’s entire population be immediately shot into the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. Sure, we might be polluting the singularity, but at least Earth will be safe! Earth first!

    But wouldn’t all the gases and etc released from shooting our population harm the planet just as much if we all killed ourselves? XD

    Quote

  12. 12DangerousNate on Mar 15, 2010 at 11:48 pm:

    [img]http://samuelatgilgal.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/save_the_planet_kill_yourself.jpg?w=400[/img]

    Quote

  13. 13DangerousNate on Mar 15, 2010 at 11:48 pm:

    Dangn’t…

    Oh well.

    Quote

  14. 14CattusMagnus on Mar 16, 2010 at 10:39 am:

    DangerousNate: But wouldn’t all the gases and etc released from shooting our population harm the planet just as much if we all killed ourselves? XD

    D’oh! Is there no solution to the problem of the human race? Why God? Why?!

    Quote

  15. 15Starless on Mar 16, 2010 at 11:40 am:

    CattusMagnus:
    D’oh!Is there no solution to the problem of the human race?Why God?Why?!

    God (if there is one) is laughing His (I repeat: His) ass off.

    Quote

  16. 16GreatDivorce on Mar 19, 2010 at 7:42 pm:

    Oh lordy me, do I love to see dirty hippies fighting amongst themselves. Why won’t they just pie Empress Nancy while they’re at it?

    Quote

  17. 17GreatDivorce on Mar 19, 2010 at 7:43 pm:

    Sorry, wish I had posted that on the anarchist story. If an editor sees my past post, please delete!

    Quote

  18. 18GreatDivorce on Mar 19, 2010 at 7:45 pm:

    No, wait! I posted on the right story! Damn this merlot! Umm, editors, please feel free to delete my posts, as I’m obviously too far into my cups to make sense.

    Quote

  19. 19Anonymous on Apr 5, 2010 at 6:14 pm:

    Wow. This is SO TRUE - if you can’t fix the problem entirely, on your own, there is no point to doing anything at all.

    This country is so ridiculous. On the Left, you have these people who say “We’re going to fix these problems, and to hell with whatever other problems they cause.” On the Right, you have these people who say “If you can’t make everything 100% perfect in one go, we refuse to do anything at all, and to hell with you people who are actually trying to improve things.” Both sides are such morons.

    Well, hopefully, someday you idiots who are mocking people because - OH MY GOD! They believe in something, but don’t follow the philosophy to the ridiculous extreme, every second of every day! - will get together with the bleeding-heart idiots who actually try to solve the problems, but fail virtually every time because… well, because they’re idiots. Between the two types of idiot, there’s one whole brain between the two of you. If you could stop screaming at each other for thirty seconds, you could fix the country.

    Until then - I’m going to keep biking to work. You’re right - it’s not as good as riding a magical carbon-sucking unicorn in to work every day. It breaths in carbon and farts rainbows, which is pretty awesome… but in this economy, I can’t afford to get it repaired, so it’s still in the shop. Until then, I’m going to do something rather than do nothing.

    Oh, wait. I’m sorry. You’re not doing nothing - you’re making fun of people who are making a 1% improvement instead of your oh-so-impressive 0% improvement. That’s going to solve the country’s problems any day now. Good luck with that.

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  20. 20bored@stumbleupon on Apr 11, 2010 at 1:30 pm:

    CattusMagnus: DangerousNate & Starless,
    But just think of all the noxious gases released as the human body decomposes!We could be harming the planet by being dead as just much as we are are harming it by being alive!I propose that Earth’s entire population be immediately shot into the black hole at the center of the Milky Way.Sure, we might be polluting the singularity, but at least Earth will be safe!Earth first!

    Well us here at Alpha Centari won’t be too happy when the increase of mass causes the black hole to start feeding again and coincidently bombards us with extremly lethal radiation that will burn our planet to a crisp. Fucking asses, think of other planets for once!

    Quote

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    Dangn’t…

    Oh well.

    Quote

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