Join the Cocoa Party!

Tired of the Coffee Party and the Tea Party? We’re the newest game in town!

I woke up this morning and realized I didn’t want tea or coffee. I wanted hot cocoa!

So I turned on my computer and in a few minutes founded a new political movement — The Cocoa Party!

Yes, it was that simple.

Then I got one of my friends at the newspaper where I used to work to violate all professional journalistic ethics by writing a puff-piece about me without revealing that I used to work there. Thanks!

Also, thanks for not mentioning that I used to really really really like Kool-Aid.

Now, in between fielding 100 emails an hour from new members wanting to start chapters from Wasilla to Waco, Twittering 17 witty tweets per minute, fielding calls from TV producers and journalists, and weeping with joy and sincerity about our wonderful country, I barely have time to consider that I’ve just revolutionized politics — all before lunch!

But enough about me. This is about The Cocoa Party!

MISSION
The Cocoa Party Movement gives voice to Americans who want to see chocolate in government. We recognize that the federal government is not the enemy of chocolate, but the expression of our collective will to drink hot cocoa, and that we must participate in the democratic process in order to address the challenges that we face as cocoa-drinkers. As voters and caffeinated volunteers, we will support leaders who work toward the addition of those little marshmallows, and hold accountable those who want to ban hot beverages altogether.

We’re so grassroots, we’re weedroots.

About Us

We are diverse — whipped cream, cinnamon, mint-flavored, soy, or straight-up old-fashioned.

We are 100% weedroots. No astroturf Obama-campaigning former New York Times employees in the Cocoa Movement, no sirree! No grassroots racist fascist redneck Neanderthal Teabaggers either! And no hyper-partisan strategists calling the shots in this movement. We are a spontaneous and collective expression of our desire to forge a culture of ludicrous propaganda that is entirely blame-oriented.

We demand a government that responds to the needs of the majority of its hot beverage drinkers as expressed by our choice of mugs or cups; NOT corporate interests as expressed by misleading coffee advertisements posing as legitimate journalism!

We want a society in which hot cocoa is treated as sacrosanct and ordinary citizens drink it out of a sense of civic duty, civic pride, and a desire to taste something delicious. The Cocoa Party is a call to action. Our Founding Fathers and Mothers gave us an enduring gift — chocolate — and we must drink it to meet the challenges that we face as a nation.

Oh wait — I forgot: We don’t hate those Teabaggers or those upstart Java Jivers! No really, we don’t! In fact, we’re just like you guys. Honestly. You prefer one kind of hot beverage, we prefer another kind — it’s all good. Can’t we all just get along? But remember, there’s only room for one hot-beverage-weedroots movement in this sweet country of ours — so abandon your deeply held beliefs and principles and join our 100% authentic political uprising today!

Update: The Cocoa Party now has its own Facebook page!

(Cross-posted at PJM.)

13 Responses to “Join the Cocoa Party!”

  1. 1CattusMagnus on Mar 2, 2010 at 4:20 pm:

    Zombie,
    Your “100% authentic political uprising” is a sham. The Cocoa Movement is nothing but a cover to shill for Big Chocolate. Who’s got you on their payroll? Is it Nestle?!

  2. 2Hickok on Mar 2, 2010 at 5:41 pm:

    Astrofroth

  3. 3Starless on Mar 3, 2010 at 5:54 am:

    Juice Box Party!

    There’s a governor’s race in my state this year and three Independence Party hopefuls (LOLLERS!) were on the state public radio station for a Q&speeches-in-the-form-of-Answers session. The first question from a caller was a foam-flecked diatribe in the form of a question about whether their party would join forces with “the teabaggers” (he must’ve said “teabaggers” half a dozen times). Two of the hopefuls could hardly contain their contempt for the Tea Party and the other gave an actually tempered non-answer (“Yes I would if…”).

    There were two interesting things about this exchange: first, the underlying premise and assumption by those outside of the Tea Party movement to refer to is as a political party. If they had any awareness of what the Tea Party is, they’d know that whether the Tea Party is a political party intent on putting up candidates or not is far from settled. Second, that while the host and the guests tactfully didn’t take the “teabagger” bait and instead talked about “Tea Partiers” they didn’t explicitly take the caller to task and correct him on his slur. The blandness with which the media accepts or ignores the “teabagger” slur is pretty amazing. Would they do the same if the term was something like “pole smokers”?

    The dismissiveness combined with the vitriol and this recent attempt to create a fake “grassroots” counterweight out of whole cloth really shows how much the Tea Party movement has gotten to establishment Progressives. And it will fail — fail as miserably as Air America.

  4. 4Rob De Witt on Mar 3, 2010 at 8:32 am:

    The Coffee Party.

    Two Girls, One Cup.

  5. 5wolfie on Mar 3, 2010 at 11:41 am:

    What Cattus said.
    But it’s not just the fact that Big Chocolate, Big Dairy, and Big Marshmallow are obviously bankrolling the Cocoa-nuts. It’s the deliberate encouragement of dangerous extremists that should give us pause. Do you think the choice of a cold-weather drink is purely coincidental? Do you think we are too stupid to see the inherent global warming denialism fueling the movement?

  6. 6Keith on Mar 3, 2010 at 4:57 pm:

    Orange Juice Party

  7. 7Jessica on Mar 3, 2010 at 7:18 pm:

    Energy Drink Party.

    That’s the REAL caffeinated party.

  8. 8Ringo the Gringo on Mar 4, 2010 at 9:56 am:

    Sign me up for the Clamato Party?

  9. 9Starless on Mar 4, 2010 at 1:00 pm:

  10. 10Ringo the Gringo on Mar 4, 2010 at 2:59 pm:

    I wonder why I wrote my comment in the form of a question?…Hmmm, very strange.

  11. 11Ozone on Mar 7, 2010 at 9:04 pm:

    The Anti-Cocoa Party (offshoot of the AGW crowd)

    Don’t you see how much Cocoa is contributing to global warming? We only have ten years to ban cocoa or it will be too late!

  12. 12platypus on Apr 17, 2010 at 5:10 pm:

    This is really Ray Nagin’s page, right?

  13. 13fabric party on Jul 29, 2014 at 12:55 am:

    Aw, this was an exceptionally good post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to make a really good article… but wat can I say…
    I put things off a lot and don’t manage to get anything done.